The Halfa's Guide to the Ghost Zone
by PhantomAL
Summary: Danny and Sam get thrown REALLY far into the ghost zone and they find out that Danny's not the only halfa... WIth the help of a mysterious book, Danny and Sam have to get back before the earth is destroyed to make way for an all ghost world!
1. Introduction

This is another DP story that I will do that no one thought could be done. Plus, it's a cross over that no one ever expected. SO enjoy!

PhantomAL

* * *

The Halfa's Guide to the Ghost Zone

Prologue

It is an important and wonderful fact that not everything is as it seems. For example, if you ever bumped into a young boy named Danny Fenton, you would assume that he was a normal 14 year old freshman with weird parents.

But if you were one of his friends, and you got to know him a LOT, you would discover that there was more to Danny than his clumsiness and his strange parents. You would see that he was actually Danny Phantom, a 14 year old half ghost superhero. Plus, you would also know that only his friends Sam and Tucker kept his secret. And apart from the other FULL ghosts in the ghost zone, no one knew his true identity… well almost no one.

* * *

Now getting to another point, "The Halfa's Guide to the Ghost Zone" is a wholly remarkable book. Better selling than "74 More Things to Do with an Ectoplasmic Energy Blast", it has already surpassed the Encyclopedia Specter as the standard repository for all knowledge of being a ghost of just if you're stuck in the green hell-hole that is the ghost zone. It has surpassed "Specter" for two reasons. One, it's slightly cheaper, and two, it also has the words "Don't Freak" in large friendly glowing print on its cover.

But the story about how this book got into the hands of Danny is what is being told to you now. It begins with a bet…

* * *

Ok, let me know if I copied something from a certain book or not. The story I'm writing has nothing to do with "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy". So read and review please!

PhantomAL


	2. The Bet

Alright, I'm actually ready to get this plot going! Now, you won't be able to get this chapter unless you read my previous fic "Calling All Angels". Unless you have read it, go back and read that thing! Because you're gonna be pretty dang confused!

PhantomAL

* * *

Chapter 1

The Bet

_Here's what the Encyclopedia Specter has to say about the subject of love: "Love" it says, "is a debilitating psychosomatic illness that is caused by production of various hormones in the victim's body that they are either unaware of or unable to control." It then goes on to list the various medical treatments available, how to deal with your parents' unwanted support, and the different kinds of love. The Halfa's Guide to the Ghost Zone has this to say on love: "Mostly painful. Avoid at any and all costs." However, Danny Fenton has read neither book.

* * *

_

(Danny's POV)

It all started on a Thursday during spring break. Usually during spring break, we teenagers rule the streets. But that particular Thursday, it was raining. I had invited my girlfriend Sam over for a movie marathon. Yes I said "girlfriend". We got together about a month ago during the time that we had help to get together from an angel and two stoners. (A/N: Reference to my previous fic) And I have to tell you, it feels great having a girlfriend. I've been able to concentrate more on my schoolwork because my mind was no longer filled of thoughts about Sam. Plus, since we got together, there had been less ghost attacks. Call it coincidence, call it a miracle, but I call it… something. I don't know.

I already got everything ready; snacks, soda, pillows, it was all there. I was ready. Then the doorbell rang. I ran to the door, already knowing who it was.

"Hey, Sam" I said

"Hey, Danny" she said, giving me a kiss.

"I got everything set up in the living room" I said, grabbing her hand.

"Great" she said, grabbing MY hand.

We started to watch one of our favorite movies, "Mallrats". It's your basic Kevin Smith movie. And though it didn't do any good in the box office, that doesn't stop us from watching it, AND laughing our heads off at it.

We were at the part when Brodie was talking about the time when his cousin, Walter, got a cat stuck up his ass, (A/N: If you don't get it, SEE THE MOVIE!), when the electricity went out because of the storm.

"This HAS to be a Thursday" I said, glumly. I then looked at Sam. "But at least I'm spending it with you".

"I love you, Danny" she said

"I love you too, Sam"

So, Sam and I then started talking. We basically talked about each other, and pretty soon, we ended up kissing.

"Hey," I said after a well-received make-out session. "Wanna see something cool?"

"Sure" Sam said. "What?"

"Follow me"

I grabbed her hand and got out the emergency flashlight from the kitchen. I then led Sam down into the lab.

* * *

The lab had aged well over the past year. It had gotten messier and there was a lot more scrap metal on the ground than usual. I brought Sam down here to show her my parent's latest modification to the Specter Speeder. It was a big button on its dashboard.

"What's this?" Sam asked.

"This," I began, "is my parent's latest invention: the Ghost Zapper. It sends the Specter Speeder anywhere into the Ghost Zone. Point is: you never know exactly _where_ you're gonna go."

"And you wanted to show it to me, why?"

"Because I wanted to test it out. I'm gonna see if this thing actually works. Besides, we've got nothing better to do."

"But Danny," Sam said, "what if it works out as "good" as the Fenton Portal?"

"Aw, come on!" I said playfully. "Like anything's gonna happen."

"I don't think so, Danny"

"I'll bet ya 5 bucks that it'll work"

"Deal" she said quickly. I have NEVER seen Sam walk away from a bet that I've ever made.

* * *

So, we turned around and looked at the button. I held Sam's hand for good luck, and then I slammed the button down hard. We waited for 5 seconds and… nothing.

"I told you it wouldn't work" Sam said.

I then admitted defeat and got out my wallet. But right when I was about to fork over a 5, the portal opened. And out of the portal came two huge green arms that grabbed the Speeder and flung it into the ghost zone.

"I think that this is supposed to happen!" I screamed over the noise of the Speeder hurtling through the ghost zone at light speed.

"What do you mean?" Sam yelled back.

"My parents said that the Fenton Zapper, once activated, was supposed to literally throw the Speeder into the Ghost Zone really fast! But I never guessed that it would be THIS fast!"

By this time, Sam and I were hanging on to each other for dear life. We looked through the window at the light speed blur that was the Ghost Zone in the front window. I noticed something coming towards us. It was flat, square-like, and it rhymed with "mall".

"Sam" I screamed

"Yes, Danny?" she screamed back.

"I love you"

"I love you too"

We then embraced for what we thought was going to be our final kiss. And we awaited our impending demise.

"_Only on a Thursday…_" I thought

* * *

_The introduction of _The Halfa's Guide to the Ghost Zone _is this: "The Ghost Zone is big. REALLY friggin' big." And so on. The Guide also sys that if you're in a flying craft like transportation device and it's about to crash, it says that, being that the Ghost Zone is really, really, big and all, that the chances of you surviving that crash are two to the power of two hundred and seventy-six thousand, seven hundred and nine to one against. Although The Guide is hardly EVER wrong, we must point out that exactly 1 second before the Speeder's impact into the wall, Danny and Sam were rescued. And so the story REALLY starts to kick in...

* * *

_

Yeesh! Took a while for me to update, eh? Well, read and review please. NO FLAMES! Plus, any ideas of how I should continue this train wreck, or Speeder wreck, would REALLY be appreciated.

PhantomAL


	3. This Is Your Captain Speaking

Alrighty. For the first time, I'm gonna insert MYSELF into the story. I couldn't find a decent captain for the ship that picks Danny and Sam up, so after giving it a lot of thought, (yeah, right), I decided the best choice would be ME! Enjoy!

PhantomAL

* * *

Chapter 2

This is your captain speaking…

(Danny's POV)

Just when Sam and I thought that we were done for, a huge ship literally came out of no where and we were inside of it. I opened my eyes after hitting the floor of the ship. I looked around to see where Sam and I were. The interior design of the ship was like nothing I've ever seen before. It was like a mix between the Starship Enterprise and a room right out of "The Matrix".

"Sam" I whispered, gently shaking her body. "Wake up"

I gave her a soft kiss on the lips to let her know that I was alright and that she was alive. Her eyes fluttered open.

"Hey" she said with a smile. "You alright?"

"Yeah." I said. "You?"

"I feel a lot better now that you're here. Do you know where we are?"

"I think that we're on some sort of a ghost space-ship. I think we'll be alright just as long whoever owns this ship isn't a ghost."

Little did I know that the odds of a ghost owning this ship were not impossible, just improbable.

A speaker voice came over the intercom speaker over our heads. We heard a gentle female voice.

"Attention, hitchhikers" the voice said. It had a child like tone to it, but also sounding mature for the someone who was speaking into the microphone in the other end. The voice continued to speak.

"Do not be alarmed." it said. "You are safe and sound. Welcome aboard to the S.S. Smartass".

* * *

(No one's POV)

The captain of the S.S. Smartass sat proudly on a big, silver chair in the cockpit. His name was AL. He was 13 years old, but he looked at least 2 years older. He had bushy, never-combed blonde hair which was basically spreading out in almost every which-way. He had blueish-greenish eyes which were almost covered by his hair. His face had somewhat of a dead look to it, because under his eyes were two dark bags. He was wearing a gray T-shirt with a Jack Skellington logo on its lower side. The shirt was covered by a long dark blue jacket that went so long, that it went down to the top of his baggy blue jeans. His body was in shape, but not in the sense that he was incredibly strong. Being a halfa, he had the opportunities, when they presented themselves, to work out by pummeling the ever-loving crap out of any rogue ghost that came his way.

Yes, he was a halfa. But not one like Danny. Like Danny, AL had received his powers by accident. But unlike Danny, AL had different powers. He was a morpher. Which meant that he could shape-shift his body into any form he saw fit.

He looked over to his left with a goofy look on his face. He was looking at his best friend, Margaret. She was 13 like him and was AL's best friend for about 3 years. She had long brown hair that touched her shoulders. She also had fair skin and green eyes. She was wearing a dark purple T-shirt and blue jeans. Margaret was not a halfa, and she was the only one who knew AL's secret. AL had brought Margaret along into the ghost zone on a year long trip. They got into the ghost zone using a makeshift portal that AL had made. They had told their parents that they were going on a year long trip to France for a foreign exchange program. AL laughed to himself as he remembered how his and Margaret's parents fell for that crappy excuse for a lie.

AL had also had a crush on Margaret for the past 2 years. However, he had been able to keep his feelings under wraps for that long. He then realized to himself that it was not gonna be long until he cracked and revealed his true feelings. But for now, he tried his best to keep their relationship at a "just-friends" basis.

* * *

"So much as the laws of physics" Margaret said to herself.

AL suddenly snapped out of his daydream.

"What do you mean?" AL asked.

"The ships computer says that we've got some 'hitchhikers', as the computer calls them, on the ship"

"How'd that happen?" AL asked, confused.

"Well," Margaret said, "when we engaged your so-called 'fool proof' invention, your OWN version of the infinite improbability drive, those two people got picked up. I told you that this thing wouldn't work."

"Come on, Margaret" AL said playfully. "It's not my fault that I'm a fan of Douglas Adam's writing!"

Margaret smiled. She liked AL because of his sense of humor and his optimistic attitude. Everytime she saw him, he had a smile on his face. She had to admit, she did have a mild crush on him, but she wasn't ready to start a 'boyfriend/girlfriend" relationship with him.

"Well," AL said, "I guess I better head on down there and pick these two guys up." He grabbed a small ectoplasmic gun and started walking towards the door.

"Oh no you don't" Margaret said. "Remember the last time we picked someone up? You ended up almost being swallowed by a huge dragon!"

"Hey," AL said in his defense. "If I knew if that amulet would turn the person who worn it into a dragon, I would've destroyed that creepy girl in the first place."

"I just don't want you to get hurt" Margaret said.

_Aw, she cares about you. _AL thought.

"Well, same with you" AL said. "If you got hurt, I wouldn't be able to go on…" AL then stopped in mid-sentence, realizing that he almost let loose his feelings.

"Aw, AL" Margaret said in a very sincere voice. "That was sweet. Thanks"

"You're welcome" AL said. "I'll just send Kevan. YO, KEV!"

A huge figure fell out of nowhere onto the ground of the ship. It was Kevan, the robot that AL had invented. Kevan was about an inch shorter than AL. He had black hair and always wore an Invader ZIM t-shit and black pants.

"Hey, AL" Kevan said. "What's up?"

"It seems that we've picked up some stowaways on the ship." AL said. "We need you to go bring them up here to the bridge"

"Oh, come on" Kevan said with a mischievous grin. "Both of you KNOW why you want me out of the room"

Kevan then winked at both of them and AL and Margaret blushed hard. The only thing AL could say was: "OUT NOW"

Kevan then walked out of the room, giggling like a maniac.

"Why did you make a robot with a sense of humor?" Margaret asked, smiling.

"Look who you're askin" AL said.

Margaret then simled sweetly again. AL then started to think.

_There might be hope for me and her yet..._ AL thought. However, if he knew what would happen in the next few days, he would've proclaimed himself a genius. Because he was almost more right than he thought he would be...

* * *

Might not have gotten a lot with Danny and Sam, but at least we met 2 new characters, right? And if your wondering how I came up with Margaret, guess what? She's REAL. My best friend for about that same period of time and I've had a crush on her for about a year. SO, read and review please!

PhantomAL


	4. Soundrack or DIE!

You people better be using this soundtrack!  
PhantomAL

The Halfa's Guide to the Ghost Zone soundtrack

Journey of the Sorcerer (theme from "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy") – The Eagles

Kick Some Ass- Stroke 9

Cosmic Castaway- Electrasy

Magic Carpet Ride- Steppenwolf

Killer Robots from Venus- The Arrogant Worms

Rollin'- Big & Rich

Loser- Beck

Wanted: Dead or Alive- Bon Jovi

The Skeleton Song- The Mighty Mighty Bosstones

Danger Zone- Kenny Loggins

The Other Side- Aerosmith

Break on Through- The Doors

The Rock Show- Blink-182

Everything You Know is Wrong- "Weird AL" Yankovic

Come Out and Play- Offspring

I Hate Thursdays (But Friday's gonna be Better) – AL (It's a song I wrote. I'll put in the lyrics in one of the chapters)

Sharp Dressed Man- ZZ Top

Hitchin' a Ride- Green Day

Relax- Powerman 5000

Over My Head- Lit

Whiplash- Metallica

I'm Destroyin' the World- Guttermouth

Livin' On a Prayer- Bon Jovi

That's Why They Call It a Union- Less Than Jake

It's The End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine) - R.E.M.

Istanbul- They Might Be Giants

Scary Ned- The Arrogant Worms

Black Betty- Spiderbait

Bigger Than My Body- John Mayer

Beverly Hills- Weezer

Crazy Little Thing Called Love- Queen

Under The Bridge- Red Hot Chili Peppers

Bawitdaba- Kid Rock

Shoot To Thrill- AC/DC

The Hot Rocks Polka- "Weird AL" Yankovic

Ok, after listening to all of these songs, I have to conclude that this is the BEST SOUNDTRACK I'VE EVER MADE! If you people don't listen to these songs, you're missing out, my friend!

PhantomAL


	5. The Guide

WOW! I got a ton of reviews for this bad boy! It HAS been a while, eh? So, the moment you've all been waiting for is finally here! The winner of "The Guide" voice contest is: it's a TIE. Between Jason Mewes, Larry "The Cable Guy, and Chris Sanderson! Guess what? The Guide will change voices in every chapter that it's in. So you'll never know WHO it's gonna be next! Thanks to everyone who voted, and I hope that this chapter makes up for me not updating in a while. This one's pretty dang long! Enjoy!

PhantomAL

* * *

Chapter 5

The Guide

_The Infinite Improbability Drive is a wondrous new way of traveling great distances in almost a mere nothingth of a second without all of that tedious mucking about in the Ghost Zone. The creation of it was a very stupid coincidence. _

_A university of ghost studies and rocket science was working on the project when they realized that Infinite Improbability could never be created. So they just gave up and got drunk the following night. _

_However, AL, who I'm guessing you all know about, was currently working as a janitor-in-training for some extra cash when he saw the makeshift improbability machine. He then tinkered with it for a while, and after wedging a piece of ABC gum into the main circuitry, the Infinite Improbability device was invented. AL was also shocked that just seconds after the drunken scientists came back into the room and saw him create what they thought was impossible, AL was tied down in front of a malfunctioning ghost portal because the one thing the scientists hated more than anything is a smartass. _

_Incidentally, this was also the day that AL became a halfa.

* * *

_

(AL's POV)

I was watching "Clerks" at the time when this whole mess happened. Margaret just scoffed at this and said:

"How can you watch that? It's just a bunch of sex and drug jokes."

This is the sentence that we Kevin Smith fans expect women to say about his movies.

I was at the part when Dante and Randal are playing hockey on the roof when I had to send Kevan out into the outer regions of the ship to get the stowaways. Needless to say, I was worried that it would be two guys that would fall in love instantly with Margaret. Little did I know that there was only one guy, and he already HAD a girlfriend. Lucky…

* * *

(Danny's POV)

Sam and I were walking through the interior of this weird looking ship. Well, we thought that it LOOKED like a weird looking ship. But it actually looked like a high-tech college hallway. It had rooms, TV's, and a bathroom. And everywhere we looked there was posters of famous bands and movies. A lot of them being Kevin Smith movies.

"Sam," I said, "we are defiantly dealing with a higher form of life."

We both laughed at the joke. We turned a corner and saw a figure walking down the hallway, and it was humming Danny Elfman music. Although we respected his choice of music, we were afraid that the figure was hostile. So, we hid being the corner.

"What do you think it is?" Sam asked me.

"I don't know" I said. "Probably some ghost coming to kill us. But that's a worse case scenario."

"What's the best case scenario?"

"Just a ghost"

The figure made eye contact with us. We quickly started to run.

"Hey, wait" the figure said. "Come back!"

Obviously, that wasn't gonna work. So, the figure took a gun and shot it at us. Turns out, it was a gun that shot tar. Seconds later, Sam and I were covered in it. It was if someone shoved a firecracker into a septic tank and it exploded all over us. The figure walked up to us and pulled out a hose. He then sprayed water all over us.

"See," he said, "washes right off."

And he was right. The tar was off in a flash. After this, it was safe to say that this…thing was not as hostile as we thought.

"Well, come on" the person/ghost/thing said. "I've been ordered to take you up to the bridge"

We were a little scared. 'Cause if THIS GUY had a gun that spewed TAR, imagine what the CAPTAIN had. But, we went along with the person.

"Who…WHAT are you?" Sam asked.

"The name's Kevan" he said. "I'm a robot created by the captain of the ship"

"Which is…?" I asked.

"He goes by the name of AL" Kevan said. "He's the one who invented this ship, me, and the device in which you two got picked up in. Oh, did I mention he's a halfa?"

That last sentence made my eyes widen.

"A halfa?" I managed to ask.

"Yeah" Kevan said. "And by the readings I got from you, YOU'RE one too."

Well, the cat was out of the bag now. My eyes widened as I was about to say something in defense when Kevan interrupted me.

"No need to say anything, compadre" he said. "AL is not a mean ghost. Unlike that Skulker jack-ass. Jerk almost blew me to shreds"

Obviously, this guy has dealt with the same ghosts I have. But just to make sure, I decided to test him.

"What about…Technus?" I asked Kevan.

"UGHHH!" he said. "That guy rearranged my circuitry so that I could only sing folk songs for the next 79 hours."

"How about…the Fright Knight?" Sam asked.

"King of Halloween my metallic ass!" Kevan said. "That guy was no match for AL's deadly impersonation of Jack Skellington"

I was almost nervous to ask the next question. But…

"How about…" I asked. "…Ember?"

Right when I said her name, Kevan stopped walking right then and there.

"Therein lies a tale" He said in a deep voice. "When she came… things went to hell in a handbasket"

"Why?" Sam asked. "Did this AL guy fall in love with the girl on this ship?"

"Margaret?" Kevan asked. "No, try the other way around. You see, Ember's love spell only affects the one who was unsure about their feelings about the other person. Margaret? Oh, yeah."

Sam then gave me a knowing look.

"So, THAT'S why YOU fell in love with me?" Sam asked me with a smile. "You were unsure."

"Hindsight's 20/20" I said. "So, was the spell reversed?"

"Oh yeah" Kevan said. "But not in the way I bet YOU guys solved it. AL had to literally break up with Margaret. Needless to say, she was heartbroken. However, AL patched everything up by giving her her first kiss. She fell right out of the spell. However, she does not remember that AL kissed her. And, Margaret's still unsure about her feelings."

"Wow, that's gotta be rough on a guy." I said.

"You have NO IDEA." Kevan said. "Well, we're here!"

* * *

(AL's POV)

I watched as the door opened with a silent "WHOOSH!"

"I brought the hitchhikers" Kevan said.

"Great" I said. "Send them in"

I watched as two teenagers walked in. One had messy jet black hair and a red and white t shirt on with baggy blue jeans. The girl had long jet black hair and was wearing Goth wear.

_Oh, God_ I thought. _I deal with enough Goths at school. I gotta deal with one on the ship? Wait a minute… She's holding hands with the guy. GREAT! He already has a girlfriend. I've still got a chance!_

"Welcome, hitchhikers" I said, extending my arms. "To the S.S. Smartass."

"Nice ship you've got here." the guy said.

"Allow me to introduce myself" I said, extending my hand. "The name's AL. AKA: PhantomAL. And you are…"

"Danny" the guy said, shaking my hand. "And this is my girlfriend, Sam"

"Nice to meet you" she said shaking my hand. For a Goth, she was actually polite.

"Well," since you two are obviously new to this ship and this part of the Ghost Zone, you'll need this. Wait a minute… You're a halfa, aren't you?"

"Yes" Danny said.

"Oh, well then I'm among friends then" I said pulling out a book from the bookcase. I handed the book to Danny.

"What is this?" he said, observing the book. The book had a blackish-brownish color with a small "rock on" symbol in the center. Danny turned it over to see the words "DON'T FREAK" on the back.

"It's _The Halfa's Guide to the Ghost Zone_" I said. "It's the ultimate book that any halfa needs to survive this place. Here I'll show you. I've been researching on this new race of ghosts called Spookiths. I'll show you."

I grabbed the book and said "Spookiths". The screen lit up and I handed the book back to Danny. He watched in amazement as an animated movie of sorts played showing a blobbish ghost. Then a voice started to speak. It had Chris Sanderson's voice from _The Nightmare before Christmas_.

* * *

_Spookiths are the most evil ghost races in the Ghost Zone. They're evil, mean, officious, foul-tempered, and all around NASTY. If you want to get a ride from a Spookith, FORGET IT. The best way to get one pissed off is to give it the finger while saying, "You suck" towards it. Hell, it pisses everyone off.

* * *

_

Danny and Sam stared at the book with a unreadable expression.

"What a strange book" Sam said.

"Yeah" I said. "But…"

"It's the most best selling book IN the Ghost Zone" a voice said.

I turned around to see Margaret, already in her pajamas. I looked at the clock, it was already 10:00 pm.

"Danny, Sam, this is Margaret" I said.

"Pleased to meet you" Margaret said, shaking both hands. "AL, it's pretty late. Why don't you go to bed?"

"AW" I said playfully. "But I didn't finish watching _Clerks_ yet! Can I PLEASE stay up a little later?" I said giving her my puppy dog eyes.

She just smiled sweetly.

"You're lucky you're cute or I wouldn't be saying yes" she said. "Good night, AL"

I just smiled goofily and blushed at her previous statement. "Good night, Margaret. Pleasant dreams"

She walked into her room and closed the door.

"Someone's gotta crush..." Danny said in a sing-song voice.

I just morphed my arm into a big metal fist and punched him lightly in the chest. However, it made him topple over. Sam rushed over to his side to make sure he was alright.

"Oh, damn" I said. "I forgot to mention. I'm a morpher. I can morph my body into different forms. Probably should've told you that, huh?"

I grabbed his hand and pulled him up. "No hard feelings, right Dan?"

"No, that's alright" he said. "I'm fine."

"Well, Kevan will show you to your room. I'm sorry but we only have one guest room. You two are alright with that, right?"

"Yeah" Danny said.

"I've got no problem with that" Sam said, grabbing Danny's hand.

"The rooms' down the hall, first door to the right" Kevan said. "And no 'funny business' in that room, you two. This story's rated 'T' just for language and language ONLY."

"Yes, sir" Danny and Sam said. And with that, they both disappeared down the hall. Kevan and I went back to watching _Clerks_. I grabbed a bowl of popcorn and we started to veg out.

"AL," Kevan said, "you think you, me, and Margaret are gonna have to take care of those two for a while?"

"Very probably, Kevan" I said with a smile.

* * *

JEEZ! This took me a while to write. I hope you liked this chapter! The next chapter is gonna be shorter, but it's gonna be GREAT! Read and review please!

PhantomAL


	6. The Guide Reviewable chapter

WOW! I got a ton of reviews for this bad boy! It HAS been a while, eh? So, the moment you've all been waiting for is finally here! The winner of "The Guide" voice contest is: it's a TIE. Between Jason Mewes, Larry "The Cable Guy, and Chris Sanderson! Guess what? The Guide will change voices in every chapter that it's in. So you'll never know WHO it's gonna be next! Thanks to everyone who voted, and I hope that this chapter makes up for me not updating in a while. This one's pretty dang long! Enjoy!

PhantomAL

* * *

Chapter 5

The Guide

_The Infinite Improbability Drive is a wondrous new way of traveling great distances in almost a mere nothingth of a second without all of that tedious mucking about in the Ghost Zone. The creation of it was a very stupid coincidence. _

_A university of ghost studies and rocket science was working on the project when they realized that Infinite Improbability could never be created. So they just gave up and got drunk the following night. _

_However, AL, who I'm guessing you all know about, was currently working as a janitor-in-training for some extra cash when he saw the makeshift improbability machine. He then tinkered with it for a while, and after wedging a piece of ABC gum into the main circuitry, the Infinite Improbability device was invented. AL was also shocked that just seconds after the drunken scientists came back into the room and saw him create what they thought was impossible, AL was tied down in front of a malfunctioning ghost portal because the one thing the scientists hated more than anything is a smartass. _

_Incidentally, this was also the day that AL became a halfa.

* * *

_

(AL's POV)

I was watching "Clerks" at the time when this whole mess happened. Margaret just scoffed at this and said:

"How can you watch that? It's just a bunch of sex and drug jokes."

This is the sentence that we Kevin Smith fans expect women to say about his movies.

I was at the part when Dante and Randal are playing hockey on the roof when I had to send Kevan out into the outer regions of the ship to get the stowaways. Needless to say, I was worried that it would be two guys that would fall in love instantly with Margaret. Little did I know that there was only one guy, and he already HAD a girlfriend. Lucky…

* * *

(Danny's POV)

Sam and I were walking through the interior of this weird looking ship. Well, we thought that it LOOKED like a weird looking ship. But it actually looked like a high-tech college hallway. It had rooms, TV's, and a bathroom. And everywhere we looked there was posters of famous bands and movies. A lot of them being Kevin Smith movies.

"Sam," I said, "we are defiantly dealing with a higher form of life."

We both laughed at the joke. We turned a corner and saw a figure walking down the hallway, and it was humming Danny Elfman music. Although we respected his choice of music, we were afraid that the figure was hostile. So, we hid being the corner.

"What do you think it is?" Sam asked me.

"I don't know" I said. "Probably some ghost coming to kill us. But that's a worse case scenario."

"What's the best case scenario?"

"Just a ghost"

The figure made eye contact with us. We quickly started to run.

"Hey, wait" the figure said. "Come back!"

Obviously, that wasn't gonna work. So, the figure took a gun and shot it at us. Turns out, it was a gun that shot tar. Seconds later, Sam and I were covered in it. It was if someone shoved a firecracker into a septic tank and it exploded all over us. The figure walked up to us and pulled out a hose. He then sprayed water all over us.

"See," he said, "washes right off."

And he was right. The tar was off in a flash. After this, it was safe to say that this…thing was not as hostile as we thought.

"Well, come on" the person/ghost/thing said. "I've been ordered to take you up to the bridge"

We were a little scared. 'Cause if THIS GUY had a gun that spewed TAR, imagine what the CAPTAIN had. But, we went along with the person.

"Who…WHAT are you?" Sam asked.

"The name's Kevan" he said. "I'm a robot created by the captain of the ship"

"Which is…?" I asked.

"He goes by the name of AL" Kevan said. "He's the one who invented this ship, me, and the device in which you two got picked up in. Oh, did I mention he's a halfa?"

That last sentence made my eyes widen.

"A halfa?" I managed to ask.

"Yeah" Kevan said. "And by the readings I got from you, YOU'RE one too."

Well, the cat was out of the bag now. My eyes widened as I was about to say something in defense when Kevan interrupted me.

"No need to say anything, compadre" he said. "AL is not a mean ghost. Unlike that Skulker jack-ass. Jerk almost blew me to shreds"

Obviously, this guy has dealt with the same ghosts I have. But just to make sure, I decided to test him.

"What about…Technus?" I asked Kevan.

"UGHHH!" he said. "That guy rearranged my circuitry so that I could only sing folk songs for the next 79 hours."

"How about…the Fright Knight?" Sam asked.

"King of Halloween my metallic ass!" Kevan said. "That guy was no match for AL's deadly impersonation of Jack Skellington"

I was almost nervous to ask the next question. But…

"How about…" I asked. "…Ember?"

Right when I said her name, Kevan stopped walking right then and there.

"Therein lies a tale" He said in a deep voice. "When she came… things went to hell in a handbasket"

"Why?" Sam asked. "Did this AL guy fall in love with the girl on this ship?"

"Margaret?" Kevan asked. "No, try the other way around. You see, Ember's love spell only affects the one who was unsure about their feelings about the other person. Margaret? Oh, yeah."

Sam then gave me a knowing look.

"So, THAT'S why YOU fell in love with me?" Sam asked me with a smile. "You were unsure."

"Hindsight's 20/20" I said. "So, was the spell reversed?"

"Oh yeah" Kevan said. "But not in the way I bet YOU guys solved it. AL had to literally break up with Margaret. Needless to say, she was heartbroken. However, AL patched everything up by giving her her first kiss. She fell right out of the spell. However, she does not remember that AL kissed her. And, Margaret's still unsure about her feelings."

"Wow, that's gotta be rough on a guy." I said.

"You have NO IDEA." Kevan said. "Well, we're here!"

* * *

(AL's POV)

I watched as the door opened with a silent "WHOOSH!"

"I brought the hitchhikers" Kevan said.

"Great" I said. "Send them in"

I watched as two teenagers walked in. One had messy jet black hair and a red and white t shirt on with baggy blue jeans. The girl had long jet black hair and was wearing Goth wear.

_Oh, God_ I thought. _I deal with enough Goths at school. I gotta deal with one on the ship? Wait a minute… She's holding hands with the guy. GREAT! He already has a girlfriend. I've still got a chance!_

"Welcome, hitchhikers" I said, extending my arms. "To the S.S. Smartass."

"Nice ship you've got here." the guy said.

"Allow me to introduce myself" I said, extending my hand. "The name's AL. AKA: PhantomAL. And you are…"

"Danny" the guy said, shaking my hand. "And this is my girlfriend, Sam"

"Nice to meet you" she said shaking my hand. For a Goth, she was actually polite.

"Well," since you two are obviously new to this ship and this part of the Ghost Zone, you'll need this. Wait a minute… You're a halfa, aren't you?"

"Yes" Danny said.

"Oh, well then I'm among friends then" I said pulling out a book from the bookcase. I handed the book to Danny.

"What is this?" he said, observing the book. The book had a blackish-brownish color with a small "rock on" symbol in the center. Danny turned it over to see the words "DON'T FREAK" on the back.

"It's _The Halfa's Guide to the Ghost Zone_" I said. "It's the ultimate book that any halfa needs to survive this place. Here I'll show you. I've been researching on this new race of ghosts called Spookiths. I'll show you."

I grabbed the book and said "Spookiths". The screen lit up and I handed the book back to Danny. He watched in amazement as an animated movie of sorts played showing a blobbish ghost. Then a voice started to speak. It had Chris Sanderson's voice from _The Nightmare before Christmas_.

* * *

_Spookiths are the most evil ghost races in the Ghost Zone. They're evil, mean, officious, foul-tempered, and all around NASTY. If you want to get a ride from a Spookith, FORGET IT. The best way to get one pissed off is to give it the finger while saying, "You suck" towards it. Hell, it pisses everyone off.

* * *

_

Danny and Sam stared at the book with a unreadable expression.

"What a strange book" Sam said.

"Yeah" I said. "But…"

"It's the most best selling book IN the Ghost Zone" a voice said.

I turned around to see Margaret, already in her pajamas. I looked at the clock, it was already 10:00 pm.

"Danny, Sam, this is Margaret" I said.

"Pleased to meet you" Margaret said, shaking both hands. "AL, it's pretty late. Why don't you go to bed?"

"AW" I said playfully. "But I didn't finish watching _Clerks_ yet! Can I PLEASE stay up a little later?" I said giving her my puppy dog eyes.

She just smiled sweetly.

"You're lucky you're cute or I wouldn't be saying yes" she said. "Good night, AL"

I just smiled goofily and blushed at her previous statement. "Good night, Margaret. Pleasant dreams"

She walked into her room and closed the door.

"Someone's gotta crush..." Danny said in a sing-song voice.

I just morphed my arm into a big metal fist and punched him lightly in the chest. However, it made him topple over. Sam rushed over to his side to make sure he was alright.

"Oh, damn" I said. "I forgot to mention. I'm a morpher. I can morph my body into different forms. Probably should've told you that, huh?"

I grabbed his hand and pulled him up. "No hard feelings, right Dan?"

"No, that's alright" he said. "I'm fine."

"Well, Kevan will show you to your room. I'm sorry but we only have one guest room. You two are alright with that, right?"

"Yeah" Danny said.

"I've got no problem with that" Sam said, grabbing Danny's hand.

"The rooms' down the hall, first door to the right" Kevan said. "And no 'funny business' in that room, you two. This story's rated 'T' just for language and language ONLY."

"Yes, sir" Danny and Sam said. And with that, they both disappeared down the hall. Kevan and I went back to watching _Clerks_. I grabbed a bowl of popcorn and we started to veg out.

"AL," Kevan said, "you think you, me, and Margaret are gonna have to take care of those two for a while?"

"Very probably, Kevan" I said with a smile.

* * *

JEEZ! This took me a while to write. I hope you liked this chapter! The next chapter is gonna be shorter, but it's gonna be GREAT! Read and review please!

PhantomAL


	7. Ghost to Ghost

Ok, it's been a while, hasn't it? Well, this chapter is ready for the website. Well, it HAD to be if you're reading it right now. So, here ya go!

* * *

Chapter 6...or 7

Ghost to Ghost

(AL's POV)

Kevan and I had just finished watching the classic landmark in cinema history that was "Clerks", when he went off to bed. I took a hint from him and shuffled off to sleep.

On the way down to my room/lair, I heard a faint noise of the TV on in Margaret's room. This is what it said:

"_I am the master of the C.L.I.T.! I make that sh-t work! It does whatever the f-k I tell it to do! No one rules the clit like I do! Not this little f-k! None of you little f-ks out there!..." _

If I knew my Kevin Smith movies right, and I did, that was the sound of Jason Mewes from _Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back_! I opened the door, and there it was! The unedited version on Comedy Central's Secret Stash. It appears that Margaret was watching it. And had just fallen asleep about 15 minutes ago. And she was halfway through the movie!

_Wait a minute…_ I thought. _She badmouths "Clerks", and she watches "Jay and Silent Bob"? Hey wait a minute… she's a closet Kevin Smith fan! Now I have more to love about her._

I walked over to her bed and sat down gently on the part of the bed that she wasn't on. I then looked at her.

_Man, she really is pretty. Even more when she's asleep. _

I walked over to the other side of the bed and bent down, looking at her face. I traced her cheek (her FACE cheek) softly with my thumb. I then kissed her gently on the cheek. This has become a habit that I've been doing for the past week now. And there has been not one time where I got a response. But tonight was different.

As I was walking out the door, out of the corner of my eye, I saw her smile a sweet smile. And I heard a soft whisper.

"Thank you, AL" she whispered without waking up.

I then smiled and whispered back.

"You're welcome, Margaret"

* * *

And with that I walked off to the cockpit. I was too happy to sleep now. But as I got to the cockpit door I realized that the door was open. I opened the door wider and saw that Danny was sitting in the co-captain's seat.

"Couldn't sleep either, huh?" I said.

He then turned around and looked at me.

"Yeah" he said. "Too much stuff.."

"…on your mind?" he said. "Yeah, me too"

"So, how did you and Margaret get together?" he asked.

"We're not together" I said. "We're just…"

"Really good friends" Danny said. "Yeah, well, look at me and Sam. We were just like you, then we became more."

"Well," I said. "I just don't want to risk our friendship. That means a lot to me"

"That's a chance that we all have to take" Danny said. "So, when did you two become 'friends'?"

I took a deep breath, and I told him the story.

* * *

_(FLASHBACK!)_

_3 years ago…_

_A young girl with brown hair was sitting on a bench at what seemed to be a camp. Yes, it was a class field trip to a camp of some sorts. The girl had pale-ish skin and green eyes. She was reading "Life, the Universe, and Everything" by Douglas Adams. Unlike most 10 year olds, she could understand the book. _

_Suddenly, two tough looking guys came over and grabbed the book from the girls' hands. _

"_Hey!" she said. "Give that back!"_

"_Look at this little bookworm, reading her stupid little book!" the bully on the right said._

"…_result of the in-infin—infinite impr-improbabi-… This book has too many big words in it!" said the one on the left. _

"_It's 'infinite improbability' you moron" the girl said. _

"'_Moron'?" said the one on the left. "Well, let's see how the little smartass likes to have this book shoved up her…"_

"_Hey, assfaces!" a voice from behind said. "Leave her alone!" _

_The bullies and the girl looked at a young boy. He had messy blonde hair, blueish greenish eyes, and a grey shirt on with blue jeans. He was skinny, but had some meat on his bones. He walked over to the bullies and the girl._

"_Why don't you leave her alone?" the boy said. _

"_Says who?" the bully on the right said, throwing the girl on the ground. The girl was crying because her knees were very badly scraped. _

"_Says this" the boy said. The boy then kicked one of them in the crotch. The other bully started to run away, but the boy grabbed the bully by the head and threw him on the ground._

"_Now get" the boy said. "Before the teacher gets wind of this"_

_The bullies ran off, screaming like the idiots that they were. The boy ran over to the girl and picked her up and carried her to the nurses office at the camp. The girl looked up at the boy and smiled. She might not have known him yet, but she knew that he was her hero._

_When the boy got to the nurses', the boy laid her down on the couch and put two ice-packs on her knees. He then held them there to apply some pressure. After a while, the girl spoke up._

"_Thanks for helping me back there" she said._

"_No problem" the boy said. "Those jerks deserved it"_

"_My name's Margaret" the girl said. "What's your name?"_

"_Alex" the boy said. "But everyone just calls me AL" _

"_Ok, AL" Margaret said. "Wanna be friends?"_

"_Sure" AL said. "I've never had a girlfriend before" _

"_Then I'll be the first" she said, giving AL a small kiss on the cheek. This caused AL to blush…HARD. _

"_I realized that you were reading a "Hitchhiker" book" AL said._

"_Oh" Margaret said. "You're a fellow hitcher too?"_

"_Are you KIDDING?" AL said. "Share and enjoy" he said, impersonating the "tea" making robot on the Starship: Heart of Gold._

_She started to laugh. AL laughed too, then his smile turned into a nervous smile._

"_Look, Margaret" AL said, nervous. "If we're gonna be friends, there's something I have to tell you"_

"_Sure, go ahead" Margaret said. _

"_Well" AL said. "You know how I beat those jerks up back there?"_

"_Yeah. Why?" Margaret asked. _

"_Promise you won't be freaked out?" AL asked. _

"_We're friends now, aren't we?" she asked. "You can tell me ANYTHING"_

_AL then inhaled and exhaled. _

"_Well…" _

_(end flashback)

* * *

_

(AL's POV)

"Wow" Danny said. "You've had powers for longer than I had"

"Yeah" but remember, along with the powers you have, I can morph my body and stretch it like rubber. Here I'll show you"

I stretched out my arm and it went to the miniature fridge across the room, opened it up, grabbed a Coke with lime, and whipped it back to Danny.

"Nice" he said, guzzling down the Coke.

"Thirsty, huh?" I asked.

"You have NO IDEA" he said.

Margaret then came into the room.

"Guys" she said. "You have to see this"

* * *

Man, don't you just hate these damn cliffhangers. At least their not cliffhangovers! Ok, that was a bad joke. Read and review please! NO FLAMES I TELLS YA!

Keep on keeping on

PhantomAL


	8. AUTHORS NOTE! NAGGA NOONCH!

HEY EVERYPEOPLES! Welcome to the part of the fic that derives from the entire story and gives you a sneak peek of what's left to come from the mind of PhantomAL.

* * *

Upcoming Fics:

The Snowball Effect (some where around November)  
8 years into the future, a 22 year old Danny works in a convenience store in Amity Park along with Tucker who works at a video store right next to him. Sound familiar? Strongly rated "T" for strong language.

Plex: (October)  
One day at the movies, the evil ghost of movies, Plex, literally sucks Tucker into the movie screen. And only Danny and Sam can save him. With parodies of such movies like "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory", "Dogma", and "Spider-Man"

Dead Man's Party- The Musical (October)  
One year after the events of "Danny's Nightmare", Danny and Sam are finally together. One day, Dan gets the brilliant idea to have a Halloween party at his house while his parents are away. However, a glitch in the ghost portal causes dimensions to interlock and creates a portal into Halloween Town. And if you thought doing the _play_ was rough, imagine living it!

* * *

Upcoming Updates:

The Halfa's Guide to the Ghost Zone:  
Yes, I'm finally getting around to this thing! Let me just give you a glimpse as to which what lies ahead for our heroes: An "American Gladiators" like game show, kidnappings, more flashbacks from AL, hippos, Kevin Smith movies, Danny Elfman, and of course the promise of true love. But don't get your hopes up just yet. There's a whole lot of crap in this story that's gonna go down before it all ends. So, be patient!

Ghost Rider:  
If you thought that this thing is just a shameless rip-off of "City Slickers", then you are horribly, HORRIBLY WRONG! There's a lot of plot twists and turns in this thing that I bet you wouldn't expect. Along with a lot of smelly horse crap.

Danny and Tuck Strike Back!  
Ok, this thing will be taken off the site for a week so that I can rewrite it to be more of a parody of "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back" than it is now. Trust me, it's gonna be better!

* * *

SO, that's about it. So, be patient. Good things come to those who wait.

PhantomAL


End file.
